There was a time when you could proudly declare your addiction to pan-fried pork products and The Walking Dead without fear of rejection or reprisal. Everyone got it. Everyone understood that bacon was awesome, and zombies, though terrifying, were equally awesome. Lots of people were jumping on the bandwagon, and even though we loyalists had known the truth for years, we welcomed these newbies with open arms.
That time is over. It’s 2016, and there’s a new slang word making the rounds: Bacon Zombie. It means something that is passé or overdone. Those people who once embraced our faith are now the very people who are saying, “Zombies? Bacon? That’s so2010.”
You might be tempted to jump ship and join the ranks of these traitors, but I say, “Stick to your guns – metaphorically and literally!” We still need people to tend to our sacred flame. Here are three reasons why the undead and fried, cured pork meat still deserve our love.
1. Fried Pork Can Be the New Quinoa
Before any of us saw packages of quinoa in our local health food store, the ancient Incas were chowing down on it thousands of years ago. They considered quinoa to be a sacred food, calling it “the mother of all grains.” Nowadays, you can’t go to a barbecue without some vegetarian nut job trying to slip a quinoa burger onto your plate. There’s no reason why fried pork slices won’t stick around just as long as quinoa has. Is it not “the mother of all processed meats?”
2. Nobody Really Stopped Liking Vampires
When you think of vampires, the Twilight series, unfortunately, is one of the first things that springs to mind. People act as if vampires didn’t exist before Stephanie Meyer decided to make them the subject of her morality tale about abstinence.
By the way, it’s a little weird that abstinence is the theme of these books. Shouldn’t it be that teenage girls need to stay away from creepy old men? Edward is over a hundred years old; why is he messing around with Bella? I don’t care if he looks 17. It’s still gross.
My point is that vampire-mania is nothing new. Doesn’t anyone remember the 1990s? Doesn’t anyone remember an author by the name of Anne Rice? Doesn’t anyone remember legions of teen and tween girls drooling over Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, the stars of Interview with a Vampire?
Doesn’t anyone remember Dracula, the vampire who started it all?
These things happen in cycles. People were vampire-crazy back in the 1990s. There was a brief lull, and the next thing we knew, fan girls were obsessing over Twilight, The Vampire Diaries and True Blood. We only need to wait patiently. The next generation will love the living dead just as much as our generation did.
3. The Apocalypse Never Gets Old
The Apocalypse, or the end of the world, is the event that we all fear but secretly hope will come to pass. The undead and fried pork meat will definitely play an important role, and just because most people aren’t excited about a zombie apocalypse doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be either.
Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the three major Western religions, all have an end-of-the-world scenario in their sacred literature. In each of these scenarios, the dead rise from the grave. Does that sound familiar to anyone?
These religions didn’t just recently appear; they’ve been with us for thousands of years. Despite the fact that the end of the world hasn’t arrived yet, religious devotees have still kept the faith, fervently awaiting the day when the dead become the undead.
Their unwavering commitment to this apocalyptic vision puts the rest of us to shame. We shouldn’t slack in our preparations for the Apocalypse. We’ll need lots of processed and cured meats to survive potential famine. We’ll need the latest weaponry so that we can hold off the zombie hordes for as long as possible. In other words, we have to becometrue believers.
Don’t lose hope, my friends. If anyone tells you that zombies and fried pork are a thing of the past, just smile and nod your head. That’ll be one less person you have to worry about when everyone is fighting over food scraps and running from armies of re-animated corpses. Let the unprepared fall by the wayside. Let them go hungry and be devoured. When the time comes, you’ll be prepared because you stayed on the bandwagon.