The zombie apocalypse has come at last! Yay! There are several things necessary for survival in this world gone wrong. Keep moving, stay ready, and make sure you grab as much toilet paper as you can! Your zombie apocalypse harem will thank you.
The day has finally come! Bodies line the streets everywhere. The scent of blood, brass, and gun powder fill the air. Screams echo throughout the area before being punctuated by incredible silence. Finally, the day you have longed for has arrived. It’s the zombie apocalypse! Oh yeah! It’s time to lock and load. You’ll mow down hoards of the undead while driving through the streets in your pimped out school bus. The walking dead will never know what hit them.
There is one problem, however. You don’t have any of the necessary survival skills to deal with a post-apocalyptic wasteland scenario. Many people would try and immediately run to the nearest grocery store or convenience store. They would then be food the slobbering masses of former humanity. If not prey for the hoard they may be gunned down by the clerk barricaded inside. Either way, it is far too early to play the part of scavenging hero. It is time to run, hide, and survive.
If you want to survive the hoard it is important that silence and swiftness become your way of life. It has become apparent that smell and sound are the main methods that a hunting zombie will use to find prey. Their sense of hearing is far more potent than the sense of smell, but don’t try to simply slip by within a few inches of the rotting masses. You smell exactly like the best burger that they might have ever had and rest assured that they will have you ‘their way’ if you are not careful.
The key is to keep moving, especially in the early days. The human desire to ‘fort-up’ may make sense. All forting-up will do is garner unwanted attention from the living and dead alike at this stage.
Temporary fortification scenarios are perfectly fine, but don’t create a new city without first finding the best possible location. Your best friends initially will be MR. Stabs, the knife, Mr. Boom-boom, the shotgun, and Mr. Happy Pants, the toilet paper. If you have a vehicle with enough space you will want to try and snatch up as much food, ammunition, water, and toilet paper as possible. Gasoline is good if you can get it as it will be one of the first commodities to cease existence within the next few months. It has a short shelf-life without being properly circulated. Within a few months most underground reservoirs of gasoline will have become unusable. Kerosene can last much longer, and so can diesel. A diesel vehicle may be the best one of all when it comes to short excursions, but initially it will be all about gas and fury.
The first days of the zombie apocalypse will be all about running, hiding, and collecting toilet paper. Toilet paper is the new money after the world ends. People can easily reclaim the technology to generate electricity or create clothing from wool and wheat. Who do you know who is capable of creating quilted toilet paper? Right, no one that’s who! It will be the primary luxury commodity in a world gone to sh— That is, it will be the greatest pure luxury anyone can find in this world gone wrong.
Once you have collected enough guns, ammunition, food, gas, water, and toilet paper it will be time to plan. You have everything you need except for the end of the world harem that you truly deserve. This cannot be stressed enough. You need your harem. It will be impossible to be the god king or royal majestic queen of your own end of the world nation without having a harem. There must be many people who are sexually attracted to you, each vying for your affections. Otherwise, what’s the point in having zombies overrun the Earth?
Begin to send out carefully worded transmissions from any working phone or short band radio that can be located. If you have discovered a few people hiding in a local restaurant or a bathroom when raiding it for toilet paper, they can be the first members of your harem. Don’t be picky. There is room in the new world order for all people. Make certain that when people are rescued that they understand their new role in life. The young, fit, and attractive people are now your harem. The other people are zombie bait. They serve the purposes of cooking, cleaning, and being eaten horribly so that everyone else can survive. They will also be necessary as guards for the royal toilet paper treasury.
Now that you have your harem, attendants, and toilet paper security, you are ready to survive the apocalypse. Remember, the zombies are everywhere but the real threats are boredom and upstarts trying to steal your harem and toilet paper. Be ever vigilant!