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Top 100 Countdown… Bumper Stickers

Some of the funniest comments you will ever see appear suddenly on the bumper of the car in front of you. Sitting at a stop light, on a busy street, or even at 70 miles per hour on a busy interstate, these pithy sayings often bring smiles to your face as you relate in some way to them. Whether it politics or religion or just plain humor, bumper stickers are an American tradition. They have done to our car’s bumpers, and our travels, what the old Burma Shave signs used to do to the roadside. This is number 100 on our list: “I took an I. Q. test… the results were negative.” Here’s 99 more of these classics:


  1. We are born naked, wet, and hungry… then things get worse.
  2. Consciousness… that annoying time between naps.
  3. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  4. Too many freaks… not enough circuses.
  5. Adults are just kids who owe money.
  6. Keep honking… I’m reloading.
  7. Lottery… a tax on people who are bad at math.
  8. Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
  9. The 2 most common elements… hydrogen and stupidity.
  10. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  11. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  12. It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  13. Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
  14. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  15. Gravity… It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  16. Nobody’s perfect… I’m nobody.
  17. I is a college student.
  18. Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
  19. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
  20. Give me coffee and no one will get hurt.
  21. Horn broken… watch my finger.
  22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  23. I intend to live forever… so far, so good.
  24. I’m out of bed and dressed… what more do you want?
  25. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  26. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  27. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish
  28. Born Free…Taxed to Death
  29. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  30. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  31. Everyone has a photographic memory… some don’t have film.
  32. A journey of a thousand miles begins at an ATM.
  33. Hang up and drive.
  34. I started out with nothing… I still have most of it.
  35. I’m not tense… just terribly, terribly alert.
  36. Chaos… Panic… Disorder… My work here is done.
  37. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  38. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  39. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
  40. What is a “free” gift… Aren’t all gifts free?
  41. Where there’s a will… I want to be in it.
  42. Few women admit their age… Few men act theirs.
  43. I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it.
  44. I love animals… they taste great.
  45. EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
  46. Hard work has a future payoff… laziness pays off now.
  47. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  48. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
  49. Out of my mind… be back in five minutes.
  50. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
  51. Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.
  52. I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up.
  53. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
  54. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  55. I thought I wanted a career… turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
  56. As long as there are tests… there will be prayer in public schools.
  57. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  58. All Men Are Animals… Some Just Make Better Pets.
  59. “Criminal Lawyer” is redundant.
  60. We have enough youth… how about a fountain of smart?
  61. So you’re a feminist… isn’t that cute.
  62. All men are idiots… I married their king.
  63. Puritanism…The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  64. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  65. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  66. All generalizations are false.
  67. Change is inevitable… except from a vending machine.
  68. BEER… It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
  69. WANTED… meaningful overnight relationship.
  70. I.R.S… We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
  71. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  72. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  73. If you are psychic – think “HONK.”
  74. Grow your own dope… plant a man.
  75. Don’t make me mad… I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  76. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
  77. Ever stop to think… and forget to start again?
  78. Always remember you’re unique… just like everyone else.
  79. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  80. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
  81. Well… this day was a total waste of makeup.
  82. I’m just driving like this to make you mad.
  83. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  84. Anarchy is better than no government at all.
  85. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  86. It works better if you plug it in.
  87. Seen it all… done it all… can’t remember most of it.
  88. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  89. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  90. Your KID may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
  91. This is not an abandoned vehicle.
  92. The more people I meet… the more I like my dog.
  93. Sometimes I wake up grumpy… other times I let her sleep.
  94. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  95. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  96. Sorry… I don’t date outside my species.
  97. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  98. 3 kinds of people… those who can count & those who can’t.

And the #1 Bumper Sticker… for this list anyway…

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…

not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”



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