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Why Indiana Jones’ Personal Finances Are Better Organized Than Han Solo’s

Indiana Jones and Han Solo are certainly both renegades. However, in the midst of all of their swashbuckling adventures, they each have been quietly amassing fortunes for themselves. While Indiana Jones has demonstrated tireless concern over the years for the preservation of the relics and marvelous artifacts that he has supplied to most of the major museums of the United States and overseas, he has provided this service at a considerable cost — frequently creating bidding wars from which only he walks away the winner. Han Solo, on the other hand, has been very pleased in the last couple of decades to realize very healthy returns on a series of shrewd investments that he once made based on the advice of Obi Wan Kenobi; his holdings in LightsaberSolutions alone enabled him to retire at 45, and even to put his children through college.

But many insiders are aware that Solo tends to make risky gambles on the market that often jeopardize the outlook of his portfolio. Without special instruction by Kenobi, Solo is often accused of flying blind. In recent years, stock picks by his colleague Chewbacca have even often outperformed Solo’s picks.

In fact, just last August, stocks for ChewbaccaCorp. split, and they are expected to pay a handsome dividend in the upcoming quarter. Han Solo Enterprises, by contrast, has chosen to reinvest its dividends in the last 3 quarters for research and development, disappointing stockholders. Responding in a recent interview to the attractive growth rate of Chewbacca’s diversified holdings, Solo replied with only four words: “Laugh it up, fuzzball!”

While Han Solo’s cockiness has often been described as his shortcoming, Indiana Jones’ business acumen has permitted him to have a better command of the market than most seasoned investors, even as he keeps himself busy in his spare hours trekking the globe searching for rare artifacts and defeating a wide assortment of two-dimensional enemies. His savvy skills helped him to know just when to dump his internet stocks in order to come out on top, and he is presently in negotiations with MSNBC to host a weekly roundtable discussion group on market trends. Jones is quite revered in business circles for what has been called his “cautious decisiveness,” and his intelligent critique of monetary policy in his recent bestseller The Invisible Dollar is said to have directly sparked government reforms at several levels.

Such a financial history leads us to confidently conclude not only that Indiana Jones is able to prosper without the aid of supernatural Jedi counsel but that he is also able to withstand uncertainties created by stressors on the market. And even as he performs his duties as C.E.O. of his evergrowing firm, his love for adventure is in no way diminished. A forthcoming documentary based on what he casually refers to as his “recreational archaeology” is being produced by a team of award-winning filmmakers, who in the past also produced three other documentaries focusing on the subject of Jones’ life and associations.

In summary, Jones has kept himself fit over the years, both physically and financially. Solo, sad to say, has grown a beer belly from inactivity, and it appears that his business activity — as in the case of Jones — has only mirrored the man’s physical state. Although his financial aspirations are no longer complicated by Darth Vader’s vengeful leveraged buyouts, Solo has often proven to be his own worst enemy.

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